Who we were has a tremendous impact on who we are. Lessons learned become guideposts and well lite footpaths. I learned a lot from my running mate pictured above (one your left). I learned humility because he was great but never boasted. I learned sacrifice, because greatness comes at a cost. I learned servant leadership because he always put others first. I learned how to work through pin because he took a licking and kept on ticking. All of those lessons helped to shape me. It sure was great to see him again last night and relive glory days, if only for a couple of hours.

This guy, Anthony Wayne Clarke – AW (on your left). For 5 years, AW and I wreaked havoc on defenses throughout the Southeast and the Mid-Atlantic as the only salt and pepper backfield duo in the Southern Football League, From Atlanta, to Tallahassee, Mississippi, Asheville, Augusta, Macon, Greenville, Charlotte and other parts of the SE we would battle, scratch, claw and fight for every hard earned yard. Coach Mike Jackson saw something in me that lead him to believe I might be a pretty good Fullback (what he saw was me looking at the backside of one too many speedy receivers as a cornerback, so he converted me to a Running Back), and for a decade every Saturday night from May till September we played ball. But the best years spent were opening holes and leading the way for this amazing running back. He was grace, power, finesse and poetry in motion. On several occasions, we would matriculate down the field on his broad shoulders and he would request that our QB, the great Phil Jackson call my number for the 2 yards remaining to get into the endzone. My job, as dictated by Coach Jackson was to, “damnit Wellmaker, put your helmet under the chin of the first different colored jersey you see, and put them on their back!” AWs job? Take my opening and turn it into the maximum number of yards possible. It’s been said that a good running back will get the 3 or 4 yards that his blockers make for him. A great running back will take those yards and get 3 or 4 more – that was AW. He would give what was given and take even more.

I can’t say that the post-game escapades weren’t as fun as the games themselves – let’s just say it was a different kind of fun with different kinds of hits. Since the bars were usually the only ones in town, both teams ended up nursing their wounds there with various adult beverages and the game continued in some form or fashion…

AW Clark. This is who I rode with. I had his back and he had mine. For every ache that I feel now, every sore knee, hip and neck – I say this truthfully, I wouldn’t trade one damn rep for the experiences I had with this great man and other North Georgia Cougars brothers!

There are places and happenings that are stuck in my head like a movie reel…..scenes that I play back every now and then for a good laugh or to relive a sweet memory. I reckon it’s a sign of aging when we draw back upon those moments and reflect happily about “back in the day.” I think about those High School days more often now as Brody, my 18 year old nears the conclusion of his High School days at Grayson. I hope he knows how much fun he’s having – I hope he has a vault where he can store some of the precious, unforgettable moments, and I hope, on occasion he can hit the recall button to reflect, laugh and reminisce.
One such place that I revisit every now and then is the rope swing at Lake Marlow. Lake Marlow was not much of a lake. It probably spanned about 20 acres, and it was somewhere near the Crabapple / Roswell boarder. I’m certain it’s not a lake anymore. More than likely it’s a Marshalls, a Home Depot or a Kroger. It’s a shame that the place that produced so much fun and laughter is no longer available to the class of 2009, but in its place, the kids can pick up a nice pair of discounted jeans, a Rhobi Leaf Blower or a Non-fat, caramel iced latte.
Two a day football practices at Roswell in the summer of ’77 were brutal. Coaching knowledge was not so advanced like it is these days, and Coaches thought they were making us tough by giving us one water break per practice. These days, we water kids down every 20-30 minutes. Some of those tough old Coaches who have passed on are probably rolling over in their graves at the way we coddle today’s football players. I’m quite certain they think we are raising a bunch of sissy ball players, to which I would respond, “maybe so, but at least they are well hydrated sissies.” Anyways, after we finished that early morning practice, usually at about 9:45 (we started at 7:00am), the only thing that took our minds off of the fact that WE HAD TO DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN IN 5 HOURS, was to head out to the Lake Marlow watering hole.
Lake Marlow had the rope swing to end all rope swings. It was attached to a branch of a spectacular Oak tree that was set about 10 yards from the shore. The branch itself spanned out well beyond the shore line, into the cool, deep water. Some pioneer had created a launching pad from the great old oak with TWO decks – an upper and a lower…….a future Georgia Tech grad, no doubt. Mechanically, the launching pad, the tree, the branch, and the rope worked with such synchronicity and precision that the force and the arch created by a swinger was unmatched by any other rope swing in North Fulton. Such great height were created that a swinger who knew his business could fly out over the lake, use his lower body to kick at the precise moment to create even MORE momentum, let loose at the perfect moment and execute not one, not Two, but THREE reverse flips (what we in the trade called a Triple Gainer) and STICK the landing! Holy Cow.
Another thing that made Lake Marlow special is the relative peacefulness in which the different clicks co-mingled. We all remember the different groups in High School – the freaks, the jocks, the frocks, the nerds, the brainiacs, etc. Add to the fact that in Roswell, back in the day, there were really only two schools – arch-rivals Roswell and Milton. Even at Lake Marlow, the Hornets and the Eagles got along. So there we would all be, the freaks and the jocks, the Hornets and the Eagles, all having fun, cooling off, carefree as the day was long and hot.
Two of the funniest things I have ever witnessed in my life happened on the lake. One involved by best friend, Bob Traynor and an unknown, red-eyed and stoned Milton Eagle Sophomore, and the other was with another great friend and part of our close knit group, Richard “Waa-Waa” Carver (known by some as Black Angus and Sasquatch).
After one launched himself off of the swing, you had to swim about 20 yards back to the shore. The old Oak provided a great network of roots that served as stairs up and out of the lake, back on to dry land. The only problem was that the exit out of the lake was right in the arch of the swing. For obvious reasons, the second man on the swing had to wait for his predecessor to swim back and get out of the lake prior to launching. This particular day was a crowded day at the lake, the freaks were smoking, the jocks were chilling and the frocks were doing a little of both. The one thing we all had in common was that we were sharing the rope and having a good time. And we were all wearing the bathing suit of the times – high and tight jean cutoffs. Were we all wearing them today in such a large gathering of males one would think that had stumbled on to the set of a University of Florida Promo film.
Our little and stoned, nameless Eagle went soaring off the swing. Up stepped Bob Traynor to the SECOND and HIGHEST platform, and without thought, pushed BACK to get even more elevation. On his downward descent I see his blonde hair blown back his eyes watering, his legs SPREAD EAGLE and his lips flapping as he picked up freakish speed. Meanwhile, our happy little Eagle popped up and took two steps out of the water. He looked up, half in and half out of the water. Traynor let loose a blood curdling Rebel Yell, at least that’s what we thought it was. In fact, it was a scream as he saw, first the head, then the neck and then the torso of the Milton kid rising out of the water like the Loch Ness Monster. The last thing that went through the Milton kid’s mind was Traynor’s balls, as Bob’s crotch hit the kid square in his face! Bob went from 25 MPH to zero in less than a second. The kid went flying back into the lake. Thankfully, the collision occurred just over the water’s edge. Bob let go of the rope and slinked into the lake. At least five freaks, seven jocks and three frocks rushed into the lake to pull our buds out of the water. Bob was moaning in agony, the Milton kid was motionless…..OK, but motionless. He eventually started laughing. Bob didn’t laugh that day. For the rest of us there at the Lake, it provided a laugh and a memory that has lasted a lifetime.
Waa-Waa’s incident, in comparison was less painful but still a bitter sweet memory that has stayed with me for over thirty years. Richard was a Big Boy – not football, muscular big, but big. He played Football with us, but he seldom saw the game field. That never stopped him from practicing hard, and it certainly didn’t stop him for being part of the boys. He was the sweetest kid in the world, and Gary, Bob, Pat and I loved him. The lake was the only place Richard would take his shirt off. Asml I said, at the lake, we were all the same. Although Waa-Waa could swim, he never ventured into the Lake, until this particular day. Waa-Waa must have had a “what the hell” moment, and he decided, damn-it, to take a swing off the rope. With, perhaps a little encouragement from the regular watering hole congregation (and perhaps a Bud or two), Richard climbed up the tree, grabbed the rope. I actually think he prayed cuz his eyes were closed and his lips were moving. Then, he jumped. The rest happened in slow motion.

The “G” force created by the downward motion of the swing, coupled with Richard’s weight, was too much for his grip. Richard started sliding down the rope as soon as his feet left the platform. Waa-Waa’s eyes were WIDE open as the shore beneath him passed and the Lake approached. In a fraction of a second, Waa-Waa’s brain was performing some mathematical / engineering equation all designed to answer this questions: “OH SHIT! HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO HOOOOLLLD OOOOOOOONNN!”.
In my mind’s eye, I see smoke was coming from the rope from the friction created by Waa-Waa’s palms burning down the apparatus. I can smell burning flesh as Richard, with every ounce of muscle and determination he could muster HELD ON………..JUST………..LONG…………ENOUGH………to where his little chubby toes could feel the Lake. Any by God, he made it. In some Pavlovian manner, Richards toes must have sensed that they were no longer over land – but over water, and like a dog’s mouth waters when he knows it’s eatin time, Richard’s hands knew, that, Hallelujah and praise Jesus, we can LET GO. And let go they did. Richard was not more than an inch from the shore and an inch over the water when he let go. Thankfully, he didn’t fall straight down. The momentum from the swing had him falling down and forward – thankfully, because at Richard’s bail out point, he was only in eight inches of water. First Richard’s toes hit, followed by his shins, then knees, belly, chest and head. He went into the water like someone jumping off a perfectly good ski boat traveling 25 MPH into the water. As we started to make our way to the water for a rescue, Richard stood up. Keep in mind, he wasn’t under water………the water there was only shin deep, at best, but he stood up – laughing. And so were we – on the ground, laughing so hard our bellies hurt and our eyes were watering. Not laughing at Waa-Waa, but laughing with him – cuz he was our friend, and we loved him.
I’ll never forget those hot and lazy days at Lake Marlow. I’ll never forget the chill of the water after a hot morning football practice. I’ll never forget the thrill of swinging out over the lake and kicking my legs out to do doubles and triples. I’ll never forget the commaradre of sitting with friends and strangers, not having to say a word, but sharing the bond of the lake and the fun and the peacefulness it produced, but most of all, I’ll never forget the sound of Bob’s crotch hitting some poor Milton’s kid head and the smell of Waa-Waa’s hands as they burned down the rope – reaching for water…….and holding on………..
RIP Waa-Waa

The hour before a football game is intense. Intensity is good, especially when you are encouraging a bunch of 14 and 15 year olds to play their hearts out for four quarters. As coaches we try to temper the intensity by having a choreographed process leading up to kick-off designed to keep the players focused on their specific roles and responsibilities. This cadence helps to keep the intensity in check. My goal is to build the intensity to a level that provides just enough rocket fuel to get through the game, but not so much that it clouds judgement and behavior.  Agitation is your enemy during these critical moments.

At some point before the game you will find me alone in the end zone, wearing my Coach’s head set, drowning out the noise and getting centered – getting calm. People comment on my rocking side to side, unaware of my movement, in prayer or reflection lightly bouncing from one leg to another. I need to be calm during the highs and lows that make up a game so my players see me as a rock. I need to be the cradle of optimism and of what is possible. They need to see in me that light, and that regardless of the score, I believe in them. And to do that, I can’t be a wild man pacing the sidelines like my pants are on fire. I need to be – Centered.

On to the real world…

I’ve debated the issues. I’ve engaged in vigorous conversation across the dinner table, with on-line posts, point counter points. I’ve been consumed with getting my POV across. I’ve been where you are, albeit several years ago and I’d like to offer you some advice and perhaps add to the quality of your life.

Stop. Really, just stop.

You are stealing valuable time from loved ones. You are stealing time from your work. The things that make you a better Mother, Father, manager, leader, employee, business owner, coach, student, friend….those things are being abandoned to so that you can do what? Change someone’s mind? You won’t. Feel better that you won the sparing match? You won’t.  Grow intellectually? You won’t. By and large, your audience is an echo chamber. They will agree and commiserate. What does that accomplish? The people you debate with are as passionate and rooted in their belief system and POV that you will not change anything. So, what, I ask, are you accomplishing, other than agitating others and yourself?

When you do this, you create turmoil in your own mind. You become un-centered, off balance. You position you mind to be combative and defensive. Your relationships with people who truly matter suffer, often times greatly. You become a thief – stealing valuable time and energy from people who need you and want you.

Tune out the noise. It’s unnecessary and destructive. There are so many better things that you can be doing with your most precious asset…your time. Invest in positivity.

Turn off talk radio (unless it’s sports talk J).

Ignore the political posts.

Step out of the debate, and enjoy your life.

You wife or husband or child or significant other will thank you.

Be Happy – It’s Better Than You Think

The world is an infinitely better place than it 1,000 years ago,  100 years ago, 20 years ago and even 5 years ago. By almost every measurement this is true. The world is a safer place, a healthier place. a happier place. a more peaceful place and a wealthier place.

If you took any one of those conditions and put them on a linear graph the line would consistently trend from the lower left quadrant to the upper right quadrant with some slight dips occasionally – much like the stock market.

Why then, do we think the world is worse than better? There are a few of explanations.

IT’S IN OUR DNA

We are neurologically hard wired to sniff out danger. It’s genetically predispositioned, and it is, to a real degree, a matter of survival. This goes back to our hunter gathering days where real danger lurked in trees or stalked us in high grass. We had to be hyper aware of what was ahead of us, behind us or what awaited us behind the bend in the trail. Bad news plays into our very design and it helped us to prosper in the days where serious injury and death lurked nearby.

IT FEELS GOOD

Good is heartwarming, but it doesn’t grab us and play into our indignation. Being angry is a visceral and REAL feeling and sadly, gives many people purpose. Think of the movies where vengeance and revenge are a central theme. How satisfying is it when the bad guy gets his comeuppance and extracts his pound of flesh? We love revenge – we love with the script flips or the tables turn.

“IF IT BLEEDS IT LEADS”

Bad news is easy to report because it’s event driven. A mass shooting happens in the NOW. An act of terrorism happens in the NOW. An airline disaster happens in the NOW. Good news, and consistent gradual change happens over the course of years, decades….even centuries. Whether or not the world really is getting worse, the nature of news will interact with the nature of cognition to make us think that it is. “News is about things that happen, not things that don’t happen. We never see a journalist saying to the camera, “I’m reporting live from a country where a war has not broken out”— or a city that has not been bombed, or a school that has not been shot up. As long as bad things have not vanished from the face of the earth, there will always be enough incidents to fill the news, especially when billions of smartphones turn most of the world’s population into crime reporters and war correspondents”

Bad things can happen quickly, but good things aren’t built in a day, and as they unfold, they will be out of sync with the news cycle. The peace researcher John Galtung pointed out that if a newspaper came out once every fifty years, it would not report half a century of celebrity gossip and political scandals. It would report momentous global changes such as the increase in life expectancy

Why is this important to know?

For one, the constant bombardment of negativity leads to feelings of gloom, doom, anxiety, lower mood levels an isolation. It can lead to depression and a sense of hopelessness and nihilism.

And finally, we can become mis-calibrated believing that the world is indeed worse off, when in fact, we are better than ever. Negative news leaves a bigger and longer lasting impact on our psyches having a significant impact on our perception of bad in the world vs good in the world.

In the year 2000, all 189 members of the UN AND over 24 International organizations got together and agreed on EIGHT Millennium Development Goals – in other words, goals to accomplish by the year 2015. The list of eight goals were chosen from the following: Life expectancy, poverty, equal rights, literacy, opportunity, peace, access to education, starvation……All are measurable and can be empirically tested.

Shocker – We (the World) wildly exceeded  the goals. In many instances we did so well before 2014! Second shocker – HARDLY ANYONE KNOWS!

To be sure, there is much left to be done as it relates to poverty, inequality and access to opportunity, education….but the work that has been done has lead to exponential improvements.

What can you do? It’s not a matter of not watching the news and keeping up on events. Do so knowing that it’s the media’s job to serve up the bad. It sells. Know that the world is a great place with technological and intellectual advances that are eradicating disease and poverty and that the access to opportunity has never, ever been better.

Finally, spread some good news. Share a positive clip instead of a negative clip. Lift people up. Celebrate good and illuminate to your circle that, although not perfect and much remains to be done, we are in good shape.

Acknowledgement – My thoughts are my own but they were synthesized with the help of Steven Pinker and his books Enlightenment NOW and The Better Angels Among Us: Why Violence Has Declined. I have a couple of quotes from Pinker’s books sprinkled in the blog.

 

Boys Will Be Boys

There have been many discussions lately about masculinity or “maleness”. The discussion has gone into overdrive since the Gillette commercial released last week referencing toxic masculinity. I’ve given a lot of thought to the commercial – I’ve reserved comment to gather my thoughts so that I might articulate them (my thoughts) in a non-offensive way, and now I’m ready talk.

Gillette had the opportunity to do something great by celebrating what it means to be a man. Instead they went bassakwards. They took outlier bad behaviors (being a bully or a sexual predator) and applied them to most men or boys THEN they took GOOD behaviors (defending the defenseless) and they applied those behaviors to a infinitesimally  small amount of men or boys. They got it all wrong.

I would like to start by saying this: In my entire adult live, I have NEVER witnessed someone being beat up or bullied by a boy where the witnesses of said behavior said, “well, boys will be boys…….” Never, EVER. On the contrary, I’ve seen the opposite. That is, men stepping up and stepping in to resolve the situation and defend the defenseless. Every year I give my football players a mission to sit with someone at lunch who is eating alone – to befriend the friendless – to be a hero to someone who needs a hero. The team embraces the assignment and lives are forever changed.

You know when I’ve said boys will be boys?

• When I see a boy playing in a mud puddle
• When I see a boy put a frog in his pocket and take it into the house
• When I see a boy scratch and sniff
• When a boy tries to jump off the roof of the house wearing a makeshift Superman cape
• When I see a boy climb too high in a tree
• When I see a boy build a ramp out of scrap wood and jump his bike…..over his brother
• When I see a boy ask his buddy to shoot him in the butt with a paintball gun

You know when I (nor anyone I know) have NOT said boys will be boys?

• When a boy is bullying someone
• When a boy is being disrespectful to women, men or animals
• When I’ve seen a boy harass someone
• If I see a boy destroying property
• I can go on…

The behaviors above are bad behaviors and they cross over gender lines. Girls are as capable of being bad as boys. I say this from a place of experience, maybe not empirical, but raising 5 boys and a daughter gives me a unique perspective – my observations are that girls engage in bullying behaviors far more, and with more viciousness, than boys. Girls will eat one for their own in a minute. And an awkward boy in the company of a group of girls – oh Lord help him.

What are the traits associated with Masculinity? There are two that come to mind, and both have been tested by sociologist and clinical psychologists alike. Tens of thousands of people have been tested in controlled environments and the data and findings are empirical:

• Men, on overage, are more disagreeable than women
• Men, on average are not as susceptible to negative emotions as are women
• Finally, men, on average are more likely to take risks as than women

Those traits aren’t exclusively masculine of feminine. When measured, men are simply more of one or less of one. That’s neither good or bad void of CONTEXT. There are times when it’s good to be disagreeable. There are times when it’s good to be agreeable. The opposite is true. To be overly agreeable to opens the path for tyranny and oppression. To be overly disagreeable can led to loneliness, isolation and brokenness.

There are other personality traits where the differences aren’t as extreme as the three traits mentioned above, but those three help to inform in the context of my thoughts.

Any of the traits above can be toxic. Anything can be toxic. It’s been said that the amount of a medicine can be either the remedy or the poison. To take a trait traditionally associated with maleness and masculinity, and say that it’s toxic is disingenuous, unless you are trying to shape it into your intersectional narrative. To use the term toxic masculinity places the toxicity on all males when the focus should be on bad behavior independent of gender.

It should be noted that difference between the genders are rooted in socialization and hardwired neurology and physiology. So, we are both BORN that way AND MADE that way.

It’s also noteworthy the mention the bell-shaped curve as it relates to the difference. If you explore the traits in the context of 80% of the general population the differences are measurable but not drastic. For example, in a random sample of men and women 6 of 10 men may register as disagreeable whereas 4 of 10 women would be deemed disagreeable. That’s not a vast difference in the disagreeable index. However, as you move further to the extremes of disagreeableness (or agreeableness) the differences are much more drastic.

Disagreeableness

How is disagreeableness a good thing? It’s good because it challenges the status quo. It was disagreeable Patriots who stood up to the tyranny of King George and took up arms, fought and died to form America. It was a disagreeably Abe Lincoln who emancipated the slaves. It was a disagreeable FDR and company who liberated Europe. It was a disagreeable Martin Luther King who accelerated the Civil Rights movement. It is a disagreeable boy or man who will stand up to monsters in the form of bullies and sexual predators and say NO with the appropriate measure of force. As Jack Nicholson said in A few Good Men, “you want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall.” Where would we be without disagreeable men and women.

How can agreeableness me bad thing. Imagine if someone “in the know” had approached Harvey Weinstein, took him by the collar and said, STOP IT. What you are doing is wrong and I’m going to take you down. What if just one of those women he harassed had been disagreeable to the point where they reported him and refused to accept any outcome except his demise. But they didn’t, and his reign of terror lasted way too long. I would argue that what was needed there was MORE masculinity, not LESS. Someone (man or woman) should have exercised the empirically tested masculine trait of disagreeableness and taken him down 30 years ago. But no one did. Elites chose to exercise a less masculine trait, and by not standing up, they stood down. They agreed. “All the needs to happen for evil to persist is for good people to do nothing”

Here’s another, less insidious manifestation of disagreeableness vs agreeableness played out in negotiations everyday:

Example One

Boss: So, Stephanie, we love your experience and we believe you can make a positive impact on our revenue numbers this year. We’d like to extend you an offer of 100K salary with 100K bonus potential for hitting your Quota.

Stephanie: I’m in and very excited. When do I start?

Example Two

Boss: So, Jason, we love your experience and we believe you can make a positive impact on our revenue numbers this year. We’d like to extend you an offer of 100K salary with 100K bonus potential for hitting your Quota.

Jason: I’m grateful and honored, but quite frankly, my base salary ask is 125K. I believe I’ve demonstrated via my experience that I am a rainmaker. All my accomplishments are verifiable, and I’m ready to demonstrate my sales expertise for your company. I’m firm on my ask of 125K and 100K bonus upon hitting targets……

Boss: That’s a big ask. Let’s settle on 115K with a 115K performance bonus when you hit targets.

Disagreeable vs Agreeable. Stop monsters, and make more money.

Men Are Not as Susceptible To Negative Emotions As Women And Are More Prone To Take More Risks Than Women

 Why are the masculine personality traits above a good thing? Advancements usually come with abject failure. In order to explore the west, Lewis and Clark had to risk everything and they did so with a risk-taking female Sacagawea. In order to fly, the Wright Brothers faced insurmountable odds and criticism. They were bombarded with doubt, questions and ridicule. Yet the persisted. The negative feedback loop fueled persuaded them to lean in and fulfill their dream. Look at the amazing advances in technology over the last 150 years, and look who had to endure ridicule in order to get there. Like Andy Dufresne in the Shawshank redemption, most of the men behind modern breakthroughs had to chew through 500 yards of shit to get to the other side. Masculinity got us electricity and the phone – it got us penicillin – it got us the heart catheter – it took us to the skies – it took us to the moon – it got us APPLE and Windows – it got us Tesla…..I can go on.

Men are more prone to take risks. See above and add that more men are more likely to be first responders, Deadliest Catch fishermen, oil rig workers, plumbers, electricians, big steel construction workers, builders, lumberjacks, powerline workers, soldiers, farmers and ranchers (some of the deadliest jobs in the world).

We need more risk takers. We need to be in touch with our feelings but not to the point where negative news / feedback prohibits us from being decisive and taking world changing risks

It’s tough to be a human. Being a girl is hard. Being a woman is hard. Being a boy is hard. Being a man is hard.  We should celebrate masculinity. We should celebrate femininity. We should applaud those things that makes us uniquely us. That commercial had it all wrong. The majority of men stand up to monsters. It’s not the minority who step up and lean in – it’s that majority of men who work for the good of humankind. Let’s celebrate those people.

Boys will be boys….God I hope so.

 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton